You know something amazing? For a race that has gotten as far as we have, in just the last century alone, humanity has gotten nowhere. At least, individually. We develop, but do we advance?
To explain where this is all coming from, it starts with me. Cause', you know, it's my blog. And I've discovered something about myself.
My mind runs on what I can best describe as preconceived notions, expectations, and perceptions of reality and of myself. Growing up, I came to develop thoughts of how the world was going to be, based solely upon my feelings and interpretations at the time. Things became expectations for me. What life would feel like, today. What I would do. Who I would be. And still, I have never let go of these ideas.
Often, I find myself doing so much, yet getting nowhere with my life. Regardless of how busy I make myself, the tasks I set before me, no actual mental or physical progress is made, but at the end of it all, I feel let down. The end result was not as I had thought. How do I respond? By throwing more tasks at myself, of course. Only now, at 17, do I realize not only what I have been doing, but why. In reality, all of the 'fluff' I fill my time with has been my subconscious trying to fulfill those expectations, those ideas of the future that I see have not guided, but driven nearly all of my actions and goals in life. I hope this epiphany has not come too late: life isn't what I thought it would be. Everything that I had thought, that I keep stubbornly waiting for for the last (roughly) twelve years or so, are WRONG. And they always have been. Theoretically, I'm am still in a place of progress (stuck) that I was in elementary school, because (and this is hard for me, I hate to admit major flaws in the chinks of my mental armor...) I refuse to let go of my own thoughts. In my selfishness, I have been ignoring what the world around me, and God for that matter, has been trying to tell me. That reality is not a set of rules. It's not all the same, and change does not mean a shift in perception, rather a movement towards yourself. But really, am I alone in this rut? I think not.
Ponder yourself that last passage. You may find yourself shocked, and I apologize for being the one to show you this, if I have. It is not a pleasant realization, as you may know.
My previously sound subconscious is likely reeling as I try to teach myself this information I've found. Clearly, changing this for me will not be easy. But really, is it for anyone? I realize how this must sound to the average reader: that I am a lost soul, depressed even, but that is not the case! I want to make that point clear. Is it going to take some time? Yes. But I know that it is a process that I must undergo. That is, rethinking the way I plan for the future. When you truly realize that the only way you can benefit yourself years from today is to be the best you NOW, only then can you grow. I also realize I sound contradictory. Didn't I say earlier that even with some of humanity mentally reaching and surpassing my current situation, we have gotten nowhere? Yes, I did, and I still stand by that statement. With an alteration.
Progression of a species is not determined by the future, or the past. It is decided when a majority of the population grows into themselves as I am going to try to do; when many individuals decide what they are going to do for themselves, then others (or vice-versa) and respond to life accordingly. Not according to what they wanted, or the way they saw reality before. It is when you establish a connection between yourself and reality (which is nearly another matter altogether), then use reality to rediscover yourself and where you want to go, that you, and those around you who have done likewise, can finally move forward.
You are your own worst enemy. Me? I am excited to change, but not sincerely happy about having to do it.
Realizing you had your life today wrong yesterday is a humbling experience.
-CWH
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