Are you freaking kidding me? You know, I've about had it with people these days! Honestly, the audacity of some folk. Who do they think they are, running gentlemen over, not opening doors, and reading some kids terrible blog? Get real.
In any case, I know that my last post was too long ago, and that is rude to keep my fools, I mean readers, waiting, so in honor of my ignorance I have decided to give a rant on bad manners. (In short, things I've seen that irk me.) Let's begin, shall we?
-First off, self-rightousness in public avenues. This includes (but is not limited to): hallways, sidewalks, DMV wait lines, and road traffic. In the last week, I have been hit forcefully with the shoulders of two (non)gentlemen at my establishment of education. Mind you, I understand that hallways between classes can be crowded, but both of these cheese sticks were looking right at me, then decided apparently that I was not worth moving out of the way for. After all, I was in THEIR way, right? Wrong! I don't care who you think you are, if you are walking straight at a person who is trying but cannot move politely out of your bull-headed way, then please take your rather bony shoulder and simply turn it to the left or right to avoid hitting said person and declaring yourself a pompous jerk.
-Next, language useage anywhere but by yourself. Now, I am a teenager myself. I know that occasionally an inappropriate word from our language may slip from your conciousness into reality (or in some cases is called for re:See above passage on cheese sticks). I myself have never made this mistake, for I am in fact the flawless seraphim that my grandparents believe me to be, but for those of you who have sought to make your life's goal to defoul and pollute the (American) English vocabulary every time you exhale a breathe, I have words for you. The great atomic 'F' bomb is not necessary, prior to popular belief, for response to any little thing you deem necessary (aka, insulting a fellow homo sapien, your general confusion, or inappropriate innuendos). And the many terms beginning with the letter 'S' that happen to be four letters? I would rather you just spoke them, you know, quietly if AT ALL. Please don't think I am being ignorant, or hypocritic, I too (don't) abuse the language collective on occasion, but this is addressed to any immature beings (Freshmen, local drivers, unemployed teenagers in front of gas stations...) who have no respect for who hears whatever they want to say.
-And finally.. Bodily. Functions. Must. Be. Kept. Silent. I do not ever want to hear (and smell) anything you have eaten in the last twelve hours. In full integrity, you sound like a hippopotamus. With a bad digestive system. I shall say no more, save for the next time you feel the urge to expell air-based obscenities from your person, please run as far from civilization to do so. Thank you.
And that has been your saving grace from the (least) most worthy giver of advice to the most (foolish) intelligent readers of this (god-awful) fantastic blog (yeah...if you can call it a blog, no?).
Remember, desperately avoid animal droppings in public parks, don't park just beyond the crest of a hill, and the 10 items or less signs at stores are really just suggestions, use them anyway.
With the least respect I can muster,
CWH
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
Saving Your Literary Down-Time (or, Maybe Ray Bradbury had the Right Idea)
Ello', how are you? Really? How...boring. For the record, if you answered that question due to the facts A. you are reading this blog AGAIN and B. you are as gullible as your cat, you might be an illiterate. I'm terribly sorry for your family's loss.
Anyhow, today I have decided to be not quite as scathing of humanity in my blogging; rather, I will pour critisicm on humanities written creations. Namely, books. Don't get me wrong, I love books. I love them more than you do, in fact, but every now and then I come across a book that is (insert an un-censored insulting adjective here). Today, I have 5 for you to avoid at all cost, and if you have to burn any of them to keep warm because you forgot to pay your electric bill (get a stove, city-slicker), I will not see you as any less rediculous than I do now. Shed no tears for the authors either, they had this coming. Here we go.
1.) The White Darkness: Boring. Flat. Dry (yes, even in Antarctica, stories can be dry). Plain teenager who happens to have an imaginary best friend that she has (un)intelligent conversations with about his death (he was an explorer). She never speaks. Her uncle drags her to Antarctica, nobody likes her, and the uncle tries to kill them all in order to accomplish his own completely sensible (he has none) motives.
2.) The entire Lightning Thief series (save the final book, it's actually okay). Now, here is where some of you (the middle school readers) will get angry at me, I am sure. But let's be honest with ourselves, almost that entire series was cheesy, immature, and frankly un-believeable, and not in the good way. As in, there's no way this would happen, nor has the author made any 50% of a donkey attempt to convince you otherwise. Come on, a 12-year old slaying a hydra? My sister who is 12 couldn't slay a cobra with a battle axe.
3.) American Born Chinese: Okay, now if you agreed with me (like nobody does) about the Lightning Thief, then we'll both agree that this book makes that entire series look like it was written by Stephen King (in terms of maturity, not terror or gore), so just burn your copy of this book now. Here, I'll wait...
Okay, now that that's been accomplished, here's why you just defaced a graphic novel with combusting destruction. Because nothing in that book makes sense, the jokes are literally made of cheese (like, the weird european kind that no person with actual taste-buds can appreciate). Overall, it's terrible. Not to mention it makes racial jokes that even a humor-lover such as myself deem inappropriate. Even if it is a Chinese-American author who is saying them.
4.) Ashfall: This book takes place in Iowa when Yellowstone erupts. (Didn't know Yellowstone was a volcano? Yeah, it is. A super-volcano [FACT], and if it blows, we're all basically screwed.) The government fails and it's basically armageddon. The main character is all alone because he was an ignorant jerk to his parents about not wanting to visit family. So he is left to try and find them alone and hungry. Literally all he talks about the entire book is how little food he has. Oh, and sex. He's very fond of thinking about sex. A. Lot. Of. Thinking. Anyways, he hooks up with this chick (which does nothing to relieve the sex thinking and in fact makes it a billion times worse) and they slaughter a pig. There are 10 disgusting pages of describing how they slaughter this pig. Why? Because the author felt that you knowing how to gut Wilbur is necessary to the storyline. And then there is 5 pages in detail of an axe wound the character recieves. Yes, an axe. If you are not convinced by now, please, don't read the book. You can order a copy at: www.immaturehormoneenragedteenager.com
5.) Last, and least worthy of all, IS...Wicked Lovely. The title says it, but the story is anything but. Get this, a Fairy king comes to earth to make a human girl fall in love with him, then kidnaps her to his realm where she is bound to be his wife (slave) for the next hundred years. Still think it sounds good? Let me give you this quote from said King from the book itself: "I want you so badly...so I had myself checked for you." He says as he holds up his STD test results.
I'll say no more here.
You're welcome, America. (And my one reader from Finland, if I am at all using this site correctly.) Forever more you can be sure that your matches shall not go to waste during a nuclear winter, for I have given you 5 sources of eternal fire (if you can find enough copies that haven't burned already by yours truly). Go out, read good books, enjoy them, then forever wonder why you are reading this blog instead of that book. Honestly, I've had enough of myself now! If you'll excuse me, I must return to Prodigy (Marie Lu...it's a good one, I swear).
Remember, bread makes you fat, moustaches are classy only in 1800's America and anytime in France, and don't ever purchase a gecko from Montana.
With no regards, -CWH
Anyhow, today I have decided to be not quite as scathing of humanity in my blogging; rather, I will pour critisicm on humanities written creations. Namely, books. Don't get me wrong, I love books. I love them more than you do, in fact, but every now and then I come across a book that is (insert an un-censored insulting adjective here). Today, I have 5 for you to avoid at all cost, and if you have to burn any of them to keep warm because you forgot to pay your electric bill (get a stove, city-slicker), I will not see you as any less rediculous than I do now. Shed no tears for the authors either, they had this coming. Here we go.
1.) The White Darkness: Boring. Flat. Dry (yes, even in Antarctica, stories can be dry). Plain teenager who happens to have an imaginary best friend that she has (un)intelligent conversations with about his death (he was an explorer). She never speaks. Her uncle drags her to Antarctica, nobody likes her, and the uncle tries to kill them all in order to accomplish his own completely sensible (he has none) motives.
2.) The entire Lightning Thief series (save the final book, it's actually okay). Now, here is where some of you (the middle school readers) will get angry at me, I am sure. But let's be honest with ourselves, almost that entire series was cheesy, immature, and frankly un-believeable, and not in the good way. As in, there's no way this would happen, nor has the author made any 50% of a donkey attempt to convince you otherwise. Come on, a 12-year old slaying a hydra? My sister who is 12 couldn't slay a cobra with a battle axe.
3.) American Born Chinese: Okay, now if you agreed with me (like nobody does) about the Lightning Thief, then we'll both agree that this book makes that entire series look like it was written by Stephen King (in terms of maturity, not terror or gore), so just burn your copy of this book now. Here, I'll wait...
Okay, now that that's been accomplished, here's why you just defaced a graphic novel with combusting destruction. Because nothing in that book makes sense, the jokes are literally made of cheese (like, the weird european kind that no person with actual taste-buds can appreciate). Overall, it's terrible. Not to mention it makes racial jokes that even a humor-lover such as myself deem inappropriate. Even if it is a Chinese-American author who is saying them.
4.) Ashfall: This book takes place in Iowa when Yellowstone erupts. (Didn't know Yellowstone was a volcano? Yeah, it is. A super-volcano [FACT], and if it blows, we're all basically screwed.) The government fails and it's basically armageddon. The main character is all alone because he was an ignorant jerk to his parents about not wanting to visit family. So he is left to try and find them alone and hungry. Literally all he talks about the entire book is how little food he has. Oh, and sex. He's very fond of thinking about sex. A. Lot. Of. Thinking. Anyways, he hooks up with this chick (which does nothing to relieve the sex thinking and in fact makes it a billion times worse) and they slaughter a pig. There are 10 disgusting pages of describing how they slaughter this pig. Why? Because the author felt that you knowing how to gut Wilbur is necessary to the storyline. And then there is 5 pages in detail of an axe wound the character recieves. Yes, an axe. If you are not convinced by now, please, don't read the book. You can order a copy at: www.immaturehormoneenragedteenager.com
5.) Last, and least worthy of all, IS...Wicked Lovely. The title says it, but the story is anything but. Get this, a Fairy king comes to earth to make a human girl fall in love with him, then kidnaps her to his realm where she is bound to be his wife (slave) for the next hundred years. Still think it sounds good? Let me give you this quote from said King from the book itself: "I want you so badly...so I had myself checked for you." He says as he holds up his STD test results.
I'll say no more here.
You're welcome, America. (And my one reader from Finland, if I am at all using this site correctly.) Forever more you can be sure that your matches shall not go to waste during a nuclear winter, for I have given you 5 sources of eternal fire (if you can find enough copies that haven't burned already by yours truly). Go out, read good books, enjoy them, then forever wonder why you are reading this blog instead of that book. Honestly, I've had enough of myself now! If you'll excuse me, I must return to Prodigy (Marie Lu...it's a good one, I swear).
Remember, bread makes you fat, moustaches are classy only in 1800's America and anytime in France, and don't ever purchase a gecko from Montana.
With no regards, -CWH
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Initiate Phase ONE
To save the world, I must help you. Which I really don't want to do. Seriously, you are not the world, how conceited of you! But I need readers so... Fortunately for a hero like me you are in the world to read this so, I must therefore help you. I shall make your day better. By telling you 5 terribly relevant things that will not make your day better. Sound good? I thought not.
Let us begin.
1.) Waking up with a basket of kittens. This...is a terrible event! How, you ask? How are kittens terrible? Where do I start?! First off, they are loud and annoying. They have claws with which make your flesh akin to fine Swiss cheese. They carry all sorts of diseases! Fleas, worms, and catscratch fever (FACT) just to name a few (did I mention their little daggered paws?). But even if you can look past all that and still love those little balls of fluffy evil, they'll still ruin your day. How? By making you not want to get out of bed, but to cuddle! The repercussions of this are overwhelming. You could miss all sorts of things! Work, brunch dates, wedding rehearsals (yours, particularly), and Brian Williams at 8/9pm central! NOT BRIAN WILLIAMS!
2.) An apple a day! ...Will ruin your day! This one is fairly simple. Apples have seeds. Their seeds contain cyanide (FACT), you eat the apple. Still don't understand? Let me give it to you straight. Normally, you avoid eating apple seeds, yes? (I hope so, if not, see a doctor right away. You can contact mine here: youreintrouble@youfoolishvegetarian.com or 1-800-THE-SEEDS.) But if you eat them often enough, your mind will grow lax towards the process of removing them from the same fruit that took down Adam & Eve (FACT). Soon enough (about 8 months or so) your body's systems will deteriorate, and you will perish slowly. Keeping the Dr. away? Maybe not so worth it anymore, eh?
3.) Waking up on the right side of the bed. (Okay, so if you are right handed, this will not apply to you. If you are, please question your life as to why you have read this far and voted Democrat, and skip to selection 4.) For those of you who are left handed, this is the single most unlucky thing that could ever happen! You are left handed for a reason. Why? Because you were not destined to be normal like the rest of us (hey, I don't make the rules of life, I just enjoy them), but were instead made to spend eternity making right handed (normal) citizes question just how you write like that. Now, if you are to wake up on the right side of the bed, the side completely opposite to your entire reason for existing, you will be cursed with bad luck. So great will be your unluckyness, in fact, that black cats will flee your presence, and mirrors will simply stop reflecting as you walk by (actually, that one not might be so bad...does anyone know if Miley Cyrus is left handed?). This can be easily avoided, however. Saw off the right side of your bed, find a right-handed spouse willing to put up with you, OR bury the other half of your bed with brick and mortar.
4.) Having the flow of universal (highways, that is) traffic decrease so that you can get to work on time. This seems to be my most rediculous idea yet, right? (It totally is.) Wrong! Pay very close attention to this one. Being on time for your commute will allow you to relax more during that process. So now, you could listen to morning radio, which is the worst change you could have. After but a mere week of bad humor (Bob & Tom, 97.3. You didn't hear it from me.) and rediculous celebrity dirt that you find yourself caring about (because you are no longer distracted by the other morons on the road), you will beging to become grumpy. So grumpy, in fact, that grizzly bears returning from hibernation will be sending you fanmail asking for advice (likely through the account: ohmygodtheresabearatthedoor@geraldgetthegun.com). Soon enough, at work, your boss will notice how cynical you have become, what with stealing the entire fresh pot of break-room coffee every day just to keep yourself sane. And not long after that, he will begin to notice any and all of your possibly (and likely, should you be left handed) mistakes that you have been trying to hide from day one. Then, you'll be fired. End of story. So the next time some idiot in 7 o'clock traffic cuts you off, send not his way the avian on your hand, but a thank you card, for he keeps the flow of the universe in tact.
5.) And finally (you knew this was coming) READING THIS BLOG WILL DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO MAKE YOUR DAILY LIFE IN ANY WAY THE LEAST BIT MORE ENJOYABLE. I mean seriously, 25 page views in a day yesterday?? What do you people think I am, funny? (Oh, you do? How sweet...please leave now, you're making me uncomfortable.) In any case, if I am wrong and you have any sort of value in your own mental well-being and sanity, do tell me why you have read this whole thing at: reallyquittryingtofindtheseemails@butthisonesreallyreal.com. If you have noticed, not one of these will not make your day better (FACT...except for 1-4). But, if you insist, I guess you could follow them. But if something goes south, just please file your lawsuits towards your local girl scout troop, and not me. I really don't want to deal with it.
Remember, avoid driving red cars, eating that 'one more' cookie, and stepping on sidewalk cracks. You only make them worse, and the city has to pay for that. Happy with yourself?
Wishing you ill, -CWH
Let us begin.
1.) Waking up with a basket of kittens. This...is a terrible event! How, you ask? How are kittens terrible? Where do I start?! First off, they are loud and annoying. They have claws with which make your flesh akin to fine Swiss cheese. They carry all sorts of diseases! Fleas, worms, and catscratch fever (FACT) just to name a few (did I mention their little daggered paws?). But even if you can look past all that and still love those little balls of fluffy evil, they'll still ruin your day. How? By making you not want to get out of bed, but to cuddle! The repercussions of this are overwhelming. You could miss all sorts of things! Work, brunch dates, wedding rehearsals (yours, particularly), and Brian Williams at 8/9pm central! NOT BRIAN WILLIAMS!
2.) An apple a day! ...Will ruin your day! This one is fairly simple. Apples have seeds. Their seeds contain cyanide (FACT), you eat the apple. Still don't understand? Let me give it to you straight. Normally, you avoid eating apple seeds, yes? (I hope so, if not, see a doctor right away. You can contact mine here: youreintrouble@youfoolishvegetarian.com or 1-800-THE-SEEDS.) But if you eat them often enough, your mind will grow lax towards the process of removing them from the same fruit that took down Adam & Eve (FACT). Soon enough (about 8 months or so) your body's systems will deteriorate, and you will perish slowly. Keeping the Dr. away? Maybe not so worth it anymore, eh?
3.) Waking up on the right side of the bed. (Okay, so if you are right handed, this will not apply to you. If you are, please question your life as to why you have read this far and voted Democrat, and skip to selection 4.) For those of you who are left handed, this is the single most unlucky thing that could ever happen! You are left handed for a reason. Why? Because you were not destined to be normal like the rest of us (hey, I don't make the rules of life, I just enjoy them), but were instead made to spend eternity making right handed (normal) citizes question just how you write like that. Now, if you are to wake up on the right side of the bed, the side completely opposite to your entire reason for existing, you will be cursed with bad luck. So great will be your unluckyness, in fact, that black cats will flee your presence, and mirrors will simply stop reflecting as you walk by (actually, that one not might be so bad...does anyone know if Miley Cyrus is left handed?). This can be easily avoided, however. Saw off the right side of your bed, find a right-handed spouse willing to put up with you, OR bury the other half of your bed with brick and mortar.
4.) Having the flow of universal (highways, that is) traffic decrease so that you can get to work on time. This seems to be my most rediculous idea yet, right? (It totally is.) Wrong! Pay very close attention to this one. Being on time for your commute will allow you to relax more during that process. So now, you could listen to morning radio, which is the worst change you could have. After but a mere week of bad humor (Bob & Tom, 97.3. You didn't hear it from me.) and rediculous celebrity dirt that you find yourself caring about (because you are no longer distracted by the other morons on the road), you will beging to become grumpy. So grumpy, in fact, that grizzly bears returning from hibernation will be sending you fanmail asking for advice (likely through the account: ohmygodtheresabearatthedoor@geraldgetthegun.com). Soon enough, at work, your boss will notice how cynical you have become, what with stealing the entire fresh pot of break-room coffee every day just to keep yourself sane. And not long after that, he will begin to notice any and all of your possibly (and likely, should you be left handed) mistakes that you have been trying to hide from day one. Then, you'll be fired. End of story. So the next time some idiot in 7 o'clock traffic cuts you off, send not his way the avian on your hand, but a thank you card, for he keeps the flow of the universe in tact.
5.) And finally (you knew this was coming) READING THIS BLOG WILL DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO MAKE YOUR DAILY LIFE IN ANY WAY THE LEAST BIT MORE ENJOYABLE. I mean seriously, 25 page views in a day yesterday?? What do you people think I am, funny? (Oh, you do? How sweet...please leave now, you're making me uncomfortable.) In any case, if I am wrong and you have any sort of value in your own mental well-being and sanity, do tell me why you have read this whole thing at: reallyquittryingtofindtheseemails@butthisonesreallyreal.com. If you have noticed, not one of these will not make your day better (FACT...except for 1-4). But, if you insist, I guess you could follow them. But if something goes south, just please file your lawsuits towards your local girl scout troop, and not me. I really don't want to deal with it.
Remember, avoid driving red cars, eating that 'one more' cookie, and stepping on sidewalk cracks. You only make them worse, and the city has to pay for that. Happy with yourself?
Wishing you ill, -CWH
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Ship's Log Entry #1: Maiden Voyage of Titanic II
Okay, here we go! My name is Colton, and I am a brand new blogger. If you are reading this, then we are both wondering why, why??? I have never blogged before, but I plan to soon start a video blog so I guess that would make this my trial run.
What is a blog? I have long asked myself that question, and it is the reason I have taken so long to start, I believe. Whatever your definition, I have come to interpret a blog as a place for one to give one's take on life and aspects of life without any personal criticism (even if you are the one criticizing...). If I am wrong, please feel free to not contact me at youropinion@notmine.com.
I suppose by now I should have laid out more about who I am, what I like, what I plan to accomplish with this blog I have so gloriously titled 'Rookie Blogger Saves the World', but I have decided to say the heck with that, and simply keep writing. Oh my gosh, you're still reading? You must be either really bored, a friend/family member, a hipster with too much time on your hands, or all of the above.
One could almost say that my starting of a blog is a step towards achieving self-recognition, finding myself and who I want to be, and defining myself as a person (you know, all the crap you're supposed to achieve in your last two years of High School), but that would make you a sappy run-of-the-mill psychologist, wouldn't it?
That was harsh I suppose, my most insincere apologies, random blog reader(s).
Anyhoo, I guess this has thus far determined our relationship. You are now wondering, who is this person (unless, like everyone else, you were directed here by Facebook...), what are their opinions, and what will they opine about (Look that one up, you illiterates.), and will this Colton actually save the world?
And I am wondering:
Why. Are. You. Still. Reading. This???
Seriously! Don't you have to cook dinner, finish a book, or ANYTHING ELSE PRODUCTIVE?
Now, mind you, I appreciate your half-enthused reading of this AND your quickly wearing patience with me, so I will soon end this post.
I do plan to blog some more, on what I don't know, but I will blog.
I will opine.
And I will save the world.
Have a good week, swerve for pedestrians, and don't for the love of all that is literate use any form of 'your' incorrectly in you're speech.
-Insincerely, CWH
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