Ello', how are you? Really? How...boring. For the record, if you answered that question due to the facts A. you are reading this blog AGAIN and B. you are as gullible as your cat, you might be an illiterate. I'm terribly sorry for your family's loss.
Anyhow, today I have decided to be not quite as scathing of humanity in my blogging; rather, I will pour critisicm on humanities written creations. Namely, books. Don't get me wrong, I love books. I love them more than you do, in fact, but every now and then I come across a book that is (insert an un-censored insulting adjective here). Today, I have 5 for you to avoid at all cost, and if you have to burn any of them to keep warm because you forgot to pay your electric bill (get a stove, city-slicker), I will not see you as any less rediculous than I do now. Shed no tears for the authors either, they had this coming. Here we go.
1.) The White Darkness: Boring. Flat. Dry (yes, even in Antarctica, stories can be dry). Plain teenager who happens to have an imaginary best friend that she has (un)intelligent conversations with about his death (he was an explorer). She never speaks. Her uncle drags her to Antarctica, nobody likes her, and the uncle tries to kill them all in order to accomplish his own completely sensible (he has none) motives.
2.) The entire Lightning Thief series (save the final book, it's actually okay). Now, here is where some of you (the middle school readers) will get angry at me, I am sure. But let's be honest with ourselves, almost that entire series was cheesy, immature, and frankly un-believeable, and not in the good way. As in, there's no way this would happen, nor has the author made any 50% of a donkey attempt to convince you otherwise. Come on, a 12-year old slaying a hydra? My sister who is 12 couldn't slay a cobra with a battle axe.
3.) American Born Chinese: Okay, now if you agreed with me (like nobody does) about the Lightning Thief, then we'll both agree that this book makes that entire series look like it was written by Stephen King (in terms of maturity, not terror or gore), so just burn your copy of this book now. Here, I'll wait...
Okay, now that that's been accomplished, here's why you just defaced a graphic novel with combusting destruction. Because nothing in that book makes sense, the jokes are literally made of cheese (like, the weird european kind that no person with actual taste-buds can appreciate). Overall, it's terrible. Not to mention it makes racial jokes that even a humor-lover such as myself deem inappropriate. Even if it is a Chinese-American author who is saying them.
4.) Ashfall: This book takes place in Iowa when Yellowstone erupts. (Didn't know Yellowstone was a volcano? Yeah, it is. A super-volcano [FACT], and if it blows, we're all basically screwed.) The government fails and it's basically armageddon. The main character is all alone because he was an ignorant jerk to his parents about not wanting to visit family. So he is left to try and find them alone and hungry. Literally all he talks about the entire book is how little food he has. Oh, and sex. He's very fond of thinking about sex. A. Lot. Of. Thinking. Anyways, he hooks up with this chick (which does nothing to relieve the sex thinking and in fact makes it a billion times worse) and they slaughter a pig. There are 10 disgusting pages of describing how they slaughter this pig. Why? Because the author felt that you knowing how to gut Wilbur is necessary to the storyline. And then there is 5 pages in detail of an axe wound the character recieves. Yes, an axe. If you are not convinced by now, please, don't read the book. You can order a copy at: www.immaturehormoneenragedteenager.com
5.) Last, and least worthy of all, IS...Wicked Lovely. The title says it, but the story is anything but. Get this, a Fairy king comes to earth to make a human girl fall in love with him, then kidnaps her to his realm where she is bound to be his wife (slave) for the next hundred years. Still think it sounds good? Let me give you this quote from said King from the book itself: "I want you so badly...so I had myself checked for you." He says as he holds up his STD test results.
I'll say no more here.
You're welcome, America. (And my one reader from Finland, if I am at all using this site correctly.) Forever more you can be sure that your matches shall not go to waste during a nuclear winter, for I have given you 5 sources of eternal fire (if you can find enough copies that haven't burned already by yours truly). Go out, read good books, enjoy them, then forever wonder why you are reading this blog instead of that book. Honestly, I've had enough of myself now! If you'll excuse me, I must return to Prodigy (Marie Lu...it's a good one, I swear).
Remember, bread makes you fat, moustaches are classy only in 1800's America and anytime in France, and don't ever purchase a gecko from Montana.
With no regards, -CWH
No comments:
Post a Comment