Initiate Phase ONE

To save the world, I must help you. Which I really don't want to do. Seriously, you are not the world, how conceited of you! But I need readers so... Fortunately for a hero like me you are in the world to read this so, I must therefore help you. I shall make your day better. By telling you 5 terribly relevant things that will not make your day better. Sound good? I thought not.

Let us begin.

1.) Waking up with a basket of kittens. This...is a terrible event! How, you ask? How are kittens terrible? Where do I start?! First off, they are loud and annoying. They have claws with which make your flesh akin to fine Swiss cheese. They carry all sorts of diseases! Fleas, worms, and catscratch fever (FACT) just to name a few (did I mention their little daggered paws?). But even if you can look past all that and still love those little balls of fluffy evil, they'll still ruin your day. How? By making you not want to get out of bed, but to cuddle! The repercussions of this are overwhelming. You could miss all sorts of things! Work, brunch dates, wedding rehearsals (yours, particularly), and Brian Williams at 8/9pm central! NOT BRIAN WILLIAMS!

2.) An apple a day! ...Will ruin your day! This one is fairly simple. Apples have seeds. Their seeds contain cyanide (FACT),  you eat the apple. Still don't understand? Let me give it to you straight. Normally, you avoid eating apple seeds, yes? (I hope so, if not, see a doctor right away. You can contact mine here: youreintrouble@youfoolishvegetarian.com or 1-800-THE-SEEDS.) But if you eat them often enough, your mind will grow lax towards the process of removing them from the same fruit that took down Adam & Eve (FACT). Soon enough (about 8 months or so) your body's systems will deteriorate, and you will perish slowly. Keeping the Dr. away? Maybe not so worth it anymore, eh?

3.) Waking up on the right side of the bed. (Okay, so if you are right handed, this will not apply to you. If you are, please question your life as to why you have read this far and voted Democrat, and skip to selection 4.) For those of you who are left handed, this is the single most unlucky thing that could ever happen! You are left handed for a reason. Why? Because you were not destined to be normal like the rest of us (hey, I don't make the rules of life, I just enjoy them), but were instead made to spend eternity making right handed (normal) citizes question just how you write like that. Now, if you are to wake up on the right side of the bed, the side completely opposite to your entire reason for existing, you will be cursed with bad luck. So great will be your unluckyness, in fact, that black cats will flee your presence, and mirrors will simply stop reflecting as you walk by (actually, that one not might be so bad...does anyone know if Miley Cyrus is left handed?). This can be easily avoided, however. Saw off the right side of your bed, find a right-handed spouse willing to put up with you, OR bury the other half of your bed with brick and mortar.

4.) Having the flow of universal (highways, that is) traffic decrease so that you can get to work on time. This seems to be my most rediculous idea yet, right? (It totally is.) Wrong! Pay very close attention to this one. Being on time for your commute will allow you to relax more during that process. So now, you could listen to morning radio, which is the worst change you could have. After but a mere week of bad humor (Bob & Tom, 97.3. You didn't hear it from me.) and rediculous celebrity dirt that you find yourself caring about (because you are no longer distracted by the other morons on the road), you will beging to become grumpy. So grumpy, in fact, that grizzly bears returning from hibernation will be sending you fanmail asking for advice (likely through the account: ohmygodtheresabearatthedoor@geraldgetthegun.com). Soon enough, at work, your boss will notice how cynical you have become, what with stealing the entire fresh pot of break-room coffee every day just to keep yourself sane. And not long after that, he will begin to notice any and all of your possibly (and likely, should you be left handed) mistakes that you have been trying to hide from day one. Then, you'll be fired. End of story. So the next time some idiot in 7 o'clock traffic cuts you off, send not his way the avian on your hand, but a thank you card, for he keeps the flow of the universe in tact.

5.) And finally (you knew this was coming) READING THIS BLOG WILL DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO MAKE YOUR DAILY LIFE IN ANY WAY THE LEAST BIT MORE ENJOYABLE. I mean seriously, 25 page views in a day yesterday?? What do you people think I am, funny? (Oh, you do? How sweet...please leave now, you're making me uncomfortable.) In any case, if I am wrong and you have any sort of value in your own mental well-being and sanity, do tell me why you have read this whole thing at: reallyquittryingtofindtheseemails@butthisonesreallyreal.com. If you have noticed, not one of these will not make your day better (FACT...except for 1-4). But, if you insist, I guess you could follow them. But if something goes south, just please file your lawsuits towards your local girl scout troop, and not me. I really don't want to deal with it.

Remember, avoid driving red cars, eating that 'one more' cookie, and stepping on sidewalk cracks. You only make them worse, and the city has to pay for that. Happy with yourself?

Wishing you ill, -CWH